Mr. Hyena’s Bid to Eat Neighbor’s Wife in the Rain Rudely Aborted


HYENA CLASSIC TALES | Chewing Mrs. Pius wasn’t easy! If there was a satellite up in the skies filming adulterers, you would be shocked watching the sufferings we go through for the bearded meat.

People of all classes suffer equally when it comes to committing adultery. MPs tiptoe to housemaids bedrooms and eat them process by process. Pastors and tycoons hide under their wives besties beds when wives almost walk in on them etc.

I was nearly sucked to death by mosquitoes and almost bitten by a snake as I SWAMA Mrs. Pius.

 Imagine at my funeral people saying a snake bit him squatting in a maize plantation far away from his home, “Oba what was he doing there?”

For awhile now, I been thinking of throwing in the gloves but yet the desire and urge to chew a few more belles is still strong in mwah.

The more I’ve boned your sisters, aunties or lovers is the more I lust for them. Seriously, am among the people who should have retired long ago. If you wrote down the  names of belles, I’ve boned, am sure you would fill the bible.

However, God’s factory keeps producing more and more belles. Why? For his favourite creation, man, to enjoy.

Anyways, back here in my ka-village in Hoima, I’ve been lusting for one of my neighbours Mrs. Pius. There isn’t anything special about her. I only wanted to chew her to have completed all seven women on that side.

However, while my house was being constructed, her hubby nabbed her with some dude and beat them black and blue. Other neighbours said she loves with kajanja and can’t keep a secret. Mbu the moment she has a side dish, she confides in not less than five people.

Such info kept me at bay. But after chewing all the other women on that line, I tried resisting her. As if, one can resist their destiny.

First and foremost, she has provoking words. She’s stubborn and lively. Each time, I encountered her, she would either be dancing, dissing some guy mbu he can’t satisfy her or she would be shaking her booty provokingly. Out of jealousy, women in the village say, she does it to entice men.

Anyways, one day, we met on the road. She was shaking her booty as usual. We had been flirting for a while and I had, had countless thoughts of us bonking. So on that day, I complimented her dress. “That dress brings out your figure to its fullest…….. you should wear it more often.”

Like sluts in your neighbourhood, she laughs a lot and so she did.

“Really……how?” she asked.

To which I replied “it makes your booty kupapala and even shows your hips clearly.”

That made her laugh some more. “So all along you walk looking at my figure? Thank you for appreciating,” she bubbled.

I advised her to buy more dresses like that one because when she wears them, she will sexcite the community.

She replied suggesting, I buy them for her, she was ready to wear them. On hearing that, I set terms and conditions. “If I buy for you, each time we meet, you will give me a kiss and let me feel your booty and hips,” I said.

That made her laugh lungs out she even screamed and concluded with a, “leave me alone, do you want mama Sumaya to beat me?” To that, I told her it would only happen if she went gossiping of our kissing and my feeling her booty.

Next were questions like, “you like kissing and touching a lot?” To which I replied, “you have the calmest  lips in the whole of Bunyoro.

Era right now, I confess my lusting for your kiss, ever since, I saw you. If you allow, I will also do all you ask of me.”

“We shall see,” she said in a calm tone. I thanked her and asked her when we could when we could meet. “You tell me,” she sad.

She was that ready. I suggested we go to town, but she declined because, she was under serious monitoring from her husband who was on safari.

“He put spies on me – who are monitoring my every movement,” she said.

“Do you know a safe bush where we can kiss then?” I asked, “because, if we kiss here, those spies will see and report me.”

Mrs. Pius replied telling me, her being shy that she couldn’t kiss in broad day. Therefore, she suggested, I wait for nightfall.

On asking where we would meet, she suggested at a eucalyptus tree in Apollo’s maize plantation which was less than seventy meters from her house at 7 pm. It was just 3 pm, so, I just had to wait a few hours more.

I walked home, relaxed, then warmed up, took a bath. After which, I put on black clothes and open shoes, then walked to the trading centre and killed time at Tofa’s shop. Deep in my heart, I was thinking to myself how bonking Mrs. Pius would be an important milestone in my life.

Not only would, I have boned all seven women on that line of the village street, but I also would have boned two members of her family. The first, being her sister Kevina. Who kept our affair top secret from Mrs. Plus fearing her sister’s lugambo.

Well knowing village belles love eating so much, I decided to reward her generosity with some groceries. And to avoid raising eyebrows, I had to go in the dark. So, I set off from Tofa’s shop at 6:30 pm, walked slowly, taking an unusual route, entered Kimera’s maize, which kukwakwayad all the way to Apollo’s garden.

By the time, I got to the rendezvous point, it was like 7:30pm. I could hear her chatting with mama Sumaya, one of my baby mamas and two guys.

Since we had a proggie, I expected Mrs. Pius to hurry to meet me as soon as, her visitors left.

But the visitors stayed until 9pm. And in my waiting time, mosquitoes sucked me like they were on a salary.

After the visitors had left, I expected her anytime, but she never showed up. I hid her gifts and walked home.

As I walked I bumped into Mrs. Aliguma, having eaten ourselves countless times, I just dragged her into a bush as she protested in a low tone.

“Hyena leave me alone. It’s over between me and you. Go bone Mrs. Apollo.” But her protests fell onto deaf ears. We had a quickie after which, we proceeded to our respective destinations.

Next morning, at around 10am, I walked to the Pius’ home to inform her of the gifts, I had brought her plus thank her for keeping me waiting. But she wasn’t around. “Mama went to the garden,” one of her kids, informed mwah.

I went about my normal business, but my whopper wasn’t content, it wouldn’t settle until, it had speared Mrs. Pius. Around 2pm, I walked by again.

This time, she was around preparing food. I started by thanking her for keeping me waiting. Only for her to inform me of  how she came at the agreed time, but I wasn’t around. “I thought, you were only teasing me.”

In response, I told her how I don’t joke around such issues.

“I waited until 10pm,” I said. She apologized and informed me, she received unexpected visitors. “I know, I was here being chewed by all tribes of mosquitoes and related parasites. I thought after your visitors had gone, you would come, but wapi! I was so tortured, ” I said.

I cemented my words by directing her where I hid the groceries. “Thank you,”she said kneeling then suggested we meet that evening 7pm sharp. Off to prepare myself, I went.

The operative word was “7pm sharp” which made me think, Mrs. Pius was a principled time keeper. So, I had to be in place earlier. But at 5pm, it started drizzling and went on making the evening chilly.

At 6pm, I set off just in case, she drops by earlier as well. No sooner had I arrived at the rendezvous point than the drizzle threatened to turn into a storm. I hid under some thick cover.

Meanwhile; I could hear my prey chatting with her five children plus Bosco, her neighbor’s son. Towards 7pm, I heard enswagiro coming in my direction. It was her and Bosco. They started talking of maize and firewood.

“Oooh God, she’s  with Bosco,  that kid to ashame me!” I worried and started trembling. Part of me thought of running. But another part said “wait until they get to the banana in the boundary.”

At some point, they walked away. It took like ten minutes for me to calm down. Now, I thought she was escorting Bosco to sort me on her way back. “Wise woman,” I silently praised her.

Only to hear her several minutes later in her compound with Bosco’s mother. “This woman is not going to give me!” I scoffed. Because, why on earth had she brought mama Bosco.

As I was agonising over that, out of the blue, a snake fell in front of me. Ooooh! I jumped and it too sprinted to save it’s dear life.

For a while, I wondered what I was even doing in this place. “I have two official wives and many concubines. Am an important person, who people have been begging to run for Mp, but am here swama a village woman!”

I decided to walk away. My feet and lower part of my trousers were wet by the drizzle. After walking like two acres in bushes in which snakes could bite me, I saw a torch shining from east to west whereas, I was walking south to north.

I squatted waited for the unknown person to walk past to avoid being seen. Getting nearest, the person had a radio on which someone said “don’t lose hope. You may be on the brink of achieving what you’ve been struggling for. Don’t give up yet.”

That was definitely a message from God.

 So, I turned back. “God wants me to chew Mrs. Pius,” I screamed inside. A moment on, I was in place. Several minutes later, Mrs. Pius escorted her visitor then on her way back, she came my way.

As she approached, I cleared my throat alerting her of my presence. Next was us hugging, kissing and bonking on the bare ground. However, my mission was interrupted by her hubby calling “mama Bosco send my wife home.”

We froze.

“Get off,” she begged. And I was like  “let me first finish.” But she insisted, “no you will complete tomorrow.”

I had no option other than to jump off.

Looking back at that as well as hiding in a latrine to chew a married belle got me wondering how people would be shocked and others laugh on seeing my documentary. Let’s meet soon as I tell you of the time, my baby mama pulled me from under her best friend’s bed.

Till then, I remain yours truly, Mr. Hyena

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