Because measuring penises is often hard to do accurately — yes, we know you exaggerate — there isn’t much reliable data on this topic for the 21st century.
The most impressive medically verified penis sets the sex record at 13.5 inches (34 cm) long and 6.25 inches (16 cm) wide, measured in the early 20th century by Dr. Robert L. Dickenson (seriously!).
The smallest penis ever recorded sets the sex record at 0.39 inches (1 cm). There are a couple of conditions that can leave a man lacking so dramatically in his nether region.
One such condition is having a micropenis, where most of the penis actually resides inside the body.
The other is a condition called congenital hypoplasia, where the glans of the penis is attached directly to the pubis, so the shaft of the penis doesn’t exist.
In the entire animal kingdom, the humble barnacle has the largest penis in proportion to its body size: A barnacle’s penis is 42 times its own body length.
In second place, the Argentine Blue-bill duck has the longest penis relative to its body size. It has the added benefit of being shaped like a corkscrew, so it not only deposits sperm but helps to “screw” any other bird’s semen out.
Considering most birds don’t even have penises, the Blue-bill is doing alright.
Whales win the biggest awards, with Rorqual whales sporting 10-foot (3 m) long schlongs, which can be up to 1 foot (30 cm) in diameter.
Hippopotamuses and elephants come in at a far second, with penises of up to 2 feet (60 cm) long.