UNEARTHED! Kampala’s Top Corporate Pork Crushers
In a recent pork consumption survey that was carried out in Sub Saharan Africa by International Livestock Research Institute, Uganda came top on the list.
It is from this background that our reporter went on a two-month ground survey around several city pork joints and ‘bufundas’ in Makindye, Nakulabye, Ntinda, Bweyogerere, Luzira and Namugongo to discreetly identify Uganda’s corporate and businessmen whose lives can’t survive without enjoying the delicious swine regularly.
These men and women would start another world war just in case city authorities unceremoniously decided to pass a ban on its’ consumption as it had been proposed some months back due to health related issues.
Today, in no particular order, we reveal to you Kampala’s top pork crushers who are behind Uganda being ranked the top pork consumer in Sub Saharan Africa. Read on!
He surely deserves a star in the ‘pork hall of fame.’ Pigs have suffered brutal deaths because of Ssempebwa for whenever he walks into a pork joint the man at the counter beams with a smile because he is assured of mega sales. A former colleague of Ssempebwa at Private Sector Foundation of Uganda (PSFU) talks fondly of Ssempebwa’s love for swine and how he had on several occasions eavesdropped on him making calls to Nicodemus pork joint for reservations. On average Ssempebwa crushes 8 huge sticks of pork and a 2 litre bottle of soda per sitting in record time.
For a person going to Kyadondo rugby grounds for the first time, you might be forced to imagine that Odomel owns the place because of the special treatment that he is accorded when he is around the place. Don’t be fooled! He is just a special patron who has made a name from crushing countless wires of pork on a daily basis. This media guru who works with Media Analyst doesn’t need to move with money on him, so as to enjoy the delicacy. The guys who roast pork gladly serve him with a smile on their faces because they are assured that he will pay. Odomel was one of those that were greatly affected after Kyadondo was closed after the 2010 terrorist attacks because he could hardly survive minus eating the Kyadondo pork.
Mark Ssali has not only made himself a name as top city sports pundit but has also etched his name into the history books as one of the undisputed champions at crushing pork ribs. If you want to win a sports argument with Mark, all you have to do is place a tray of pork ribs in front of him and he will agree with all you have to say as he sips on a Tusker Malt Lager.
If you ever bump into Kasulu, ask him what his biggest hobby in life is, he will tell you without blinking how much he enjoys munching on pork ribs. The once very flamboyant real estate mogul is a regular at Namukadde’s pork joint in Bweyogerere. He no longer places an order since the workers are aware of his daily arrangement. He is usually in an entourage of three people and orders for 5kgs to be fried separately. He takes 4kgs and leaves his boys to share 1kg! He only enjoys the delicacy especially when they slaughter a fatty pig.
If you think that Otto is a very furious man when he is on the floor of parliament, then try interrupting him when he is busy demolishing a tray of pork ribs and you will know his wrath. He used to be a big time patron at Zanzi bar which has since changed to Match and Mix. Otto has since changed where he eats the ‘animal’ from but one thing that we are sure of is his insatiable appetite for it.
Like Otto, West Budama North MP, Fox Odoi has programmed his brain to behave like a computer that he must eat swine on a daily basis. Unlike his counterparts who enjoy it all alone, Odoi always branches off to a pork joint and buys not less than 3 kilograms before proceeding home where it’s fried under his strict supervision. It is said that when the MP is not around, there is a reliable boda boda (motorcycle) guy who ensures that the delicacy is delivered at his gate.
He is one of the fast rising lawyers in Kampala and we cannot be sure if we should attribute his sharp brains to eating pork daily. His pals tell us that if you want to know that Owoko has won a court case all you have to do is just look at the amount of pork on his plate. All the pork joints in and around Ntinda know him and when he walks in, they don’t refer to him by the usual tagline of ‘customer,’ they call him by both names.
A lot of crazy stuff can be said about this PR and advertising guru commonly referred to as Kyamu by his peers, but one thing that cannot be missed is how ‘badly’ the aroma of roasted or fried pork treats him. The moment the aroma of this fatty animal gets into his nostrils, all his other body parts shut down and only the salivary glands are active. He is surely among the top pork crushers in Uganda.
He comes from the famous Blick family and at one time he was considered as the face of basketball in Uganda, but don’t be fooled that Norman’s first love is basketball, his true love is pork. His friends will reveal to you that when you get the chance to scroll through Norman’s phone, you are most likely to find phone numbers of various pork joints in Wandegeya and Nankulabye.
Every Friday afternoon Albert makes it a point to jump into any car that is heading towards Kampala from Masaka where he works as a legal officer, with one mission imprinted on his mind-to devour pig ears. His first stop is usually around Kyengera where he crushes a few sticks before heading to Ntinda where the real action takes place at Rhino pub.
The pigs in Luzira know him by name because he has had a huge hand in reducing their population in that area. Rutehenda has a special corner and table reserved for him at Emitex pub in Luzira because when he is down to pork crushing business, one would think that he is in a high level meeting discussing issues of national security.
Do you realize that when he had just burst onto the scene while mimicking legendary news anchor, Bbale Francis on the Amarula Family comedy show, Kyebandula was so tiny. But you will be shocked now. The man has turned into a mountain thanks to his tight pork crushing schedule.
He is the transport manager at Bamil Global Logistics Uganda. Simon eats pork almost every lunch time from Yakobo’s since the joint is adjacent to his office. Since he is a major patron at the joint, we have learnt that he is billed monthly unlike other customers. The only time when Simon ever misses to enjoy the delicacy is when he is either sick or far away from Kampala.
Joseph Imran Katsina
He is one of the renowned dentists at Mengo hospital, but when he is not either extracting or refilling his patient’s teeth, he is busy sharpening his own for munching pork ears and ribs. Katsina’s craving for this ‘dirty’ animal is insatiable! He is also one of the common faces that you are likely to bump into at Yakobo’s pork joint. The pork roaster at the joint refers to him as Dr. Joe.
He works with The CEO magazine in the graphics and designing department. When you bump into him dashing out of office, you are forced to imagine that he is heading for a very important business meeting, but follow him stealthily and you will be surprised to see him branching into the nearest pork joint within the vicinity. His love for pig ears and ribs is unmatched.
Malibu, the former cranes spokesperson is one of those lads that you can be sure to bump into at any time of the day at Namukadde’s pork joint in Bweyogerere. He has a special seat in a dark corner at the joint where he downs several kilograms of the delicacy in record time.
Of recent comedian Richard Tuwangye has been putting on weight at a very fast rate, making some people to imagine that he is making loads of money, but that is not the full story. We have learnt that Richard has joined a ‘cult’ of people who worship pork religiously and cannot go a day without munching it. On a bad day the least amount of pork that he can consume are 2kgs.
For those that knew Patrick during his campus days and before his rise to fame, they will tell you that the comedian was extremely malnourished and many people used to sympathize with him. When he finally discovered that he could make money by cracking jokes, he knew that it was also time to change his status quo. Not only did he change his dress code but also changed his eating habits. Patrick has made it a point to crush pork ribs on a daily basis from Ntinda and Namugongo pork joints. This act has seen him put on weight by the night.
Ndausi is with little doubt one of the most cherished Luganda radio presenters in Uganda. His size explains what he eats. After taking down as many kilos his stomach can handle, he usually washes it down with a bottle of UG.
We are told every time she thinks about a plate full of pork ribs, she simply salivates. Her love for the sweet animal is well documented because she is reported to have crushed it from all corners of the country. She works with Entebbe Handling Services.
He is a regular on this list of pork crushers. As much as he is an IT specialist in Stanbic, Ogwal is also top material when it comes to crushing pork ribs.
Renowned party animal and socialite loves her bottle and usually kills off hangover with kilos of well made pork ribs. Formerly working with Das Air, Hilda can still thank her angels in heaven because she has loaded guys who pay the bills for her much liked delicacy. She never spends a week without visiting top pork joints like Stone Pub or Masaka Boyz.
Henry’s size speaks for itself, he is a pork champion. His size reveals that buying him one kilogram if you took him for lunch would be a total insult.
Makalama the Giant
This Rugby guru is a pork crusher champion! He pays for all the pork screws on ‘sigiri’ in Kyadondo and downs them in a record time. This former rugby player and coach has single headedly made pig farmers and pork roasters get a smile on their faces.
He is in Real estate business. To him, the number of kilograms is determined by the financial season. When he lands a good deal, he takes 5kgs alone. When things are not very good, he takes 3kgs but this is on a daily basis.
He works with Stanbic Bank, IT Department at the Crested Towers main branch. He can’t sleep well without eating at least six sticks or crushing the swine’s ribs.
She also works in the IT Department of Stanbic Bank. She is the pork booking officer within the IT department. On average, she crushes four sticks per day.
He starts as early as 10am on Friday morning and by the time it clocks Sunday evening, pals say he would have eaten a whole pig alone. He loves it from Zanzi. He works with Stanbic Bank.
At one point, it was revealed that the former Miss Nkumba University eats five sticks. It is said she spends more on eating pork than on her rent fee in a month!
Omulangira Silver Lumansi
He is the proprietor of Lusyn Enterprises in Kampala and he is known to crush pork ribs on a daily basis. He goes to all the top pork joints in Kampala and his best parts are the pigs’ ears.
The city fashion mogul is a regular at Muyenga Country Club where she washes down sticks of pork with a cool glass of wine
Formerly with the Obsessions dancing group and now a manager at Entebbe Backpackers, Brenda loves pork ribs. Her love for this delicacy is unmatched!
Whenever BBC journalist Allan Kasujja is in town from the UK, pork joints rejoice because they are assured of being paid in Pound Sterlings. His popular joints for crushing the cursed animal include Ntinda and Kiwatule though he never discriminates a pork joint.
He is the CEO Worldwide Logistics, a freight forwarding and logistics services company based in Kamwokya. Those who know him claim that his love for the swine has never gone down especially side mirrors (read ears). He takes it in kilos at least three days a week.
He works with Bagaine and Company Advocates, but a day without visiting a pork joint is unimaginable in his life. He crushes it from joints in Ntinda, Bukoto, Wandegeya and Nakulabye.